Who’s Your Blueprint?

I never had an older sibling growing up. Or an older cousin, for that matter. 

I never saw it as a disadvantage until I was older and the things I was having to figure out on my own were a bit more… confusing? And when I realized I still didn’t know how to curl my hair at the age of 22.

Indy Blue was that big sister to me.

When other girls may have stayed up at night texting their big sister for advice, I stayed up in bed rewatching Indy’s recap video… for the 5th night that week. 

Indy was the first person to make me think outside the box of what my life could look like.

I grew up going to a Christian school that went K-12. Most of my friends' parents grew up in or around Louisville. After graduation, the plan for everyone was to go down the road to the University of Kentucky for four years and come right back I-64 and send their kids to the same school again. 

I honestly had never considered a different course of life for myself. I didn’t know any different. But as soon as you taste the forbidden fruit, you can’t quit craving it.

Once I knew that there was life outside of all of my normalcy, I was dead set on curating something different for myself.

Indy always came at the right stages of life for me. 

I was 17 and heartbroken. I believed my older skater boyfriend at the time was the definition of love and when he left so did any self confidence I had within myself. But what came just at that time? Indy’s Nothing Gold Can Stay blog. 

I read it any chance I could. In between tears on my pillow. Got in trouble reading it in the back of class. I kept reading it too — for the next three years. The first girls I met in college, I sent the link. “You HAVE to read this!”

Nothing Gold Can Stay was my blueprint for rebuilding my self worth again. Through Bon Iver, sleepovers with my best friend, trips to the park, and forcing myself to fall in love with being alone.

I developed a newfound independence… and a new fear of losing it. I protected it at all costs. I didn’t want to allow anyone to come in, especially anyone I would rely on too much. 

As I approached college, I was pissed off at myself. I thought I’d let myself down by not branching out and doing something different. 

It was then that Indy settled down back in Utah and told us she was becoming a mom. She told me then that staying put doesn’t mean settling… and still proceeded to be the coolest person on the Internet from her apartment’s couch. 

So, I tried to be the second coolest person on the Internet from my dorm room.

Until… the world got shut down and everyone got sent back to square one. 

It was then that a certain boy started to make rather frequent appearances in my life. A familiar boy, unlike the rest. My middle school and high school crush.

Anthony.

Anthony and I went to the park nearly every day in lockdown. I would run the trails, he would skateboard around me. We would do Spotify parties to listen to the same song. It was EDM at the time and we thought we were hippies.

And on the days we couldn’t go to the park, I cared.

The same fear crept inside me from years prior, protecting my independence and labeling this boy as “just a friend” to avoid myself caring. 

And it was then that Indy said that it was cool to care. 

To be fair, Anthony never questioned that I cared about him. It was undeniable. I had hand written him letters for his birthday every year since we were 12 and cried anytime he got a new girlfriend. 

It was myself guarding my heart. 

Anthony is my Jack.

Loving Anthony was never a choice. 

It was something that came over me when we were 12 at the splash park at Holiday World.

It was what made me go up to him and his date who were kissing at the 8th grade dance and say “Anthony, I need to tell you something.” 

We grew up together, and for years, we were each other’s everything. 

Any chance we could we would go on a drive around town. And then there were the special times he’d kiss me at my car before I left. And we’d never talk about it. 

He was the bad kid. The cool kid. The kid not allowed at my friend’s houses in high school.

But I loved him anyways. I loved him so much it was out of my control. 

I loved him so much I couldn’t stand being friends. I’d drive home with “Bad Romance - live from the Rainbow Room” blaring in my speakers, “I DONT WANNA BE FRIENDSSSS”

So when Anthony asked me to be his girlfriend in the middle of the night, I rolled over and said “Are you serious?” 

And then in the morning, I said “Did you ask me to be your girlfriend last night?” Like it was some kind of fever dream. 

Years have passed, and saying yes to dating Anthony is still my favorite decision yet. 

But every time Indy posts a throwback picture of her and Jack from high school a ping of nostalgia hits me and I remember the version of Anthony high school-Riley saw. A love so pure that it is through all stages is truly unexplainable. It grows together. 

It oftentimes is unable to relate to, except for Indy.

Perhaps a mix of my independence of my lust for life inspired my lap around Europe last fall.

I had a taste of the forbidden fruit. I finally had created the life I wanted for myself. I’d never been happier. I did it for the girl who stayed up at night watching Indy’s yearly recap videos. 

I texted Anthony in every new place, “Maybe we can move here!” and every time he would simply say, “Let’s!” 

I don’t think I would have felt quite complete without going to Europe. Seeing those places made me feel small in the best way. It gave me a new perspective. One Indy tried to make us all understand, but truly I don’t think you get it until you do it. 

Recently I’ve had to make a tough decision. One that pulls me far away from Anthony for a while or one that keeps him close. 

It feels like the pull between my two selves: the one who wants to GO and DO and the other who knows that her happiness is where her heart lies. 

Indy said, “The simple life is the life. Guys, I’m telling you.”

She validated my dreams of wanting to sit on a couch with Anthony. Is that a lot to ask?

I’ve watched Indy create the life she wanted for herself. All on her own. 

She began her own company that now has a blue check on Instagram. 

She traveled the world.

She had a baby.

She built a house. 

She married her best friend.

And she made me believe I could do it all. On my own. 

So who is Indy Blue? To me? 

She’s the blueprint.