Accepting the Things You Cannot Change
The ten-year-old version of me would have laughed at the title of this blog. She used to sob for hours on end when her mom would trade in her minivan for a Suburban. She used to curl herself into a ball in the corner and refuse to talk to her parents when she found out she was getting another sibling. She used to be so mad that she was moving (even if it was just to a house down the street) that she would kick the sign down in her driveway and “run away.” Needless to say, she hated change.
At ten you haven’t quite found out that life can get mundane and boring if you stick to the same old same old. Maybe she just needed a few more years before she realized the power of change.
Change allows you to do more. It is progressive. It lets you create the life you have dreamed for yourself.
Once you find the power of change, it is addictive. Anything you dislike can be quickly substituted. You don’t like the school you attend? You can transfer. You don’t like the color of your hair? You can dye it. You don’t like your small town? You can move.
However, once you find something you cannot change, it is conflictive. You have encountered something outside of your power.
This poses a challenge. Oftentimes, you believe you still can change it and begin to fight it. After many failed attempts, this thing that won’t change starts to get inside your head and bother you more than ever before.
In allowing the thing you can’t change to defeat you, you give it more power.
What if we never put up a fight? In accepting the things you cannot change, you are free from the burdens of defeat. You learn to find good in the things that are outside of your control. You live in peace.
This is much easier said than done. It is something I have to remind myself of every day. But, acknowledgment is the first step. Below are five arenas of acceptance we all can work on together.
1. Accepting that what works well for others may not work for you.
They eat an all-carb and high-sugar diet and are skinnier than me.
They don’t study at all and ace every test.
They run on four hours of sleep happily.
They get every person’s attention without even trying.
They can be social multiple nights a week and not get burnt out.
You begin to feel like the odd one out when you function differently than others, especially when their way seems so much easier.
It has been particularly hard for me to accept that college is not for me. Especially when everyone seems to enjoy it. Adults and students alike rave over college being the best time of their life, and for me, it just has not been.
I have questioned myself over and over, wondering why I don’t have fun going out, why I haven’t seemed to find my place, what I could have done differently, or what is wrong with me for not loving college like everyone else.
I have tried to fight it. I have tried to force myself to fit inside the “college mold” and do all the things I am “supposed to be doing,” like going to fraternity parties and bars and joining a sorority, but at the end of the day, it is just not for me.
Accepting that my version of college doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s has made me the happiest I have been in college so far. I feel the most myself. I spend my time doing things I enjoy doing. I find friends who accept me for who I am. I am at peace.
Accept that you operate differently than others. Don’t try to make yourself work the same way everyone else does.
I promise you will function better.
2. Accepting the phase of life that you’re in.
I have wasted a lot of breath complaining about college. I have wasted even more breath complaining about going to college during a worldwide pandemic. Regardless, I still go to college during a worldwide pandemic. There is nothing I can do to change it, so I might as well accept it and make the most of what I can.
Phases of life get thrown at us. We can never anticipate them enough to plan adequately. It is easy to accept the ones that are great. We are thriving! We never want it to end!
It is much harder to accept the ones that are hard. We want to fight it. However, when there is nothing we can do to change it, fighting just defeats us more.
We have to learn to accept that this soon will pass. This is just a phase, and phases of life are fleeting. We also have to learn to accept that some good can come out of hard situations. We will one day look back with clarity.
In accepting that this is just a phase of life, we find hope and peace.
3. Accepting that people change.
When we think about people changing, we can assume they changed for the better or the worse.
When someone changes for the better, it means that whatever has happened in the past is gone and they have learned and grown from it. They consider themselves a better version than before.
However, it is very hard to forget hard pasts. Trust is easy to lose and difficult to gain back. It is hard to accept that the past is gone and never returning.
It is even harder to forget pasts when they are brought up every day. Trust is impossible to attain when you don’t allow yourself to believe that people change.
Because in dwelling in what once was, you can never find experience the power of change. It betters people. When people change for the better, they are optimizing their fullest potential. Support them, don’t doubt them.
Other times, people change for the worse.
Or at least, we believe they are worse than before. They may believe they are better than before. Regardless, they are different in a way we personally don’t like.
It is a hard pill to swallow. You are going to try to fight it. You’re going to try to make this person return to their “better” days, but this may do nothing but create a divide between the two of you. You are stuck with a decision of accepting the new version of this person or losing them altogether.
In times like these, you have to step outside of yourself and consider why this person changed. Are they in a hard phase of life? Are they bettering themselves according to their circumstance? Are there benefits from this change?
In accepting that a person changed, you are taking the burden off yourself of trying to keep someone that once was and opening yourself up to the possibilities of positive growth, trust, and adapting.
4. Accepting that people think differently than you.
Our current phase of life is a world more expressive than ever. We have access to millions of people’s opinions with the click of the button and the ability to say whatever we want without anyone having to see our face.
We live in an era that supports revolutionary ideas that question what once was considered “normal.” We have accepted new ideas to better society. However, have we accepted that some people’s ideas are different from our own?
Some believe that the vaccine will end coronavirus.
Some believe the vaccine is the government trying to take over the world.
Some believe abortion is murder.
Some believe abortion is a mother’s right.
Some believe the government needs less power.
Some believe we need more government involvement.
Some believe we will go to Heaven or Hell one day.
Some believe when we die we are done existing.
Some believe marijuana is a gateway drug.
Some believe recreational marijuana should be legalized.
Is there any freedom in forcing our ideas upon each other? In trying to change the way someone else thinks to match your own, you can get defeated.
In order to live in harmony with one another, we have to learn to accept that people think differently than each other.
5. Accepting the way you look.
Most things you find unappealing about yourself can easily be changed with the swipe of a makeup brush or, if you’re fortunate enough, a swipe of a card paying thousands of dollars for plastic surgery.
Once you find something you can’t change about the way you look, however, it becomes all you see in the mirror.
Then it becomes all you see when people look at you, you just assume they see your imperfections.
Then you start to look for your imperfections in other people and compare. Do I look like that?
I know I am not the only one!
I have always been extremely self-conscious of my big teeth and lips. I find myself thinking that my teeth stick out and I have guppy lips. I always try to hold my mouth in a way that it won’t look funny. I overanalyze photos of myself from every angle, trying to figure out what I look like when I am not paying attention. I will spiral into being so critical of myself.
Ironically so, my lips and smile are the number one compliment I ever receive. No matter what people say, I still will beat myself up over it.
I am trying to learn to accept the way I look. I am trying to understand that other people see my biggest insecurities as statement aspects about me. I am avoiding being my own worst critic.
In accepting what I look like, I stop disappointing myself when I look in the mirror. I can celebrate my differences and see myself as beautiful. I can stop chasing a better version of myself and find peace in who I am and always will be.
Accepting things that are outside of our control takes a weight off our shoulders, freeing us to find joy in the way things are.
“Reality itself is gorgeous. It is the plenum; the fullness of total joy.” - Alan Watts
